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Dear Diary,
2
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happy fucking Friday.
3
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-
4
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- Hey, Syd.
-Hm?
5
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Do you think Banana Wigglesworth knows
he's a hedgehog?
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And if he does,
do you think he likes being one?
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Goob, trust me,
Banana's proud to be a hedgehog.
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No question.
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Last night,
I almost convinced myself
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that I cracked the wall in my bedroom
without touching it.
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Mom says if you stare
at the toaster too long, it'll never pop.
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But that's just what happens
when you live in a shitty house
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with a shitty foundation.
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Stuff starts to crack.
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Yeah, well, see, what Mom doesn't know
is that I can do stuff with my mind.
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Cool! Can I see?
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- Whoa!
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Whoa!
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Didn't you wear that sweater yesterday?
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Yeah, Mom. I did.
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'Cause I'm disgusting.
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Oh.
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Listen, I need you
to do some shopping for me today
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'cause we're about to run out
of everything.
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-No thanks.
-I wasn't asking.
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-How am I supposed to bring all this home?
-However you got it home last time.
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In exchange for... sexual favors
with strangers. Got it.
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Hilarious.
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Hey, change your sweater.
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Sydney.
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You're making me look like a bad mom.
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And I'm a friggin' good mom!
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Grocery shopping. This is my life.
34
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Meanwhile, Dina's dating Brad
and all I've got is...
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Hey, Syd!
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Hey.
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--
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-Hey.
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-Hey.
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-You goin' to school?
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-Yup.
-Yeah.
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-Yeah, me too.
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Can you believe some people are
already asking dates to homecoming?
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So stupid. It's so far away.
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Huh!
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Yeah, totally.
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Super far.
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Like... like a whole week.
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Let's go, girls. Get up.
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Well, I hate to ask, but...
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-can you give me a ride after school?
-Mm...
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My mom just wants me
to go grocery shopping again.
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I know it's lame, but--
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No, no, no, Syd. I swear to God, I would.
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I sort of promised Brad I would
go to the pep rally with him. So...
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But isn't the pep rally for people like--
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People like what, Syd?
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People with, you know...
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pep.
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I know it's stupid,
but it's a pretty big game, you know?
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You're going to the game too?
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Yeah. Do you wanna go?
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-Sorry. I...
-What?
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It's just... that jacket.
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He's never given his jacket
to anyone before.
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-Mm-hm.
-It's sweet.
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Mm-hm.
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So...
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-So...
- Ladies, time to play!
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-So Dina ditched me to hang out
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-with Bradley "Dick for Brains" Lewis.
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-Wore his stupid jacket...
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-...like some gross couple from the '50s.
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And I need to still find a way
to buy some fucking groceries
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-and get them fucking home.
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What the fuck?
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Desperate times, stupid measures.
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-Hey, I need your car.
-Oh, hey, Syd.
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Not for long.
Just, like, you know, an hour.
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Are you kidding?
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My dad would murder me.
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He doesn't even know
I drive that piece of shit around.
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Do you even have a license?
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Of course I do.
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Okay.
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Let me see it.
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Ah, forget it.
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Wh--
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W-- Ah, no, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
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It's fine. It's fine. I got this.
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But I'm driving.
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Uhh... Gladys, I'm gonna take 20.
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Stan's car smelled like weed.
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Just like my dad's old truck.
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I'd always ask him about it
when I was a kid.
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I'd ask why his truck smelled like skunk.
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Years later, I finally realized
my dad was a stoner.
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Hey, do you, um...
do you see that tower over there?
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It's been there since, uh...
1890-somethin'.
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Story goes that a hundred men died
building it.
101
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There's no way it took one hundred men
to build that piece of shit.
102
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Okay, well, it--
it was probably more like five,
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but my great-great-great-granddad
was one of 'em.
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He was not great.
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Well, now that I think about it,
every Barber male tends to be a shithead.
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So, guess it's up to me
to redeem the good old family name.
107
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I've never seen your dad. Like, ever.
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He drives an 18-wheeler,
like, 25 days a month.
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-Cool.
-Yeah.
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My life is way better
when he's not around.
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Wish he'd just stay gone, you know?
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And I just wish my dad was still here.
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Oh, I didn't...
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I-- I didn't mean to... to, like...
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It doesn't bother me.
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Sorry, I just need
to drop something off real quick.
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There might be more to Stanley Barber
than I thought.
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See you next week.
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What are you,
like a drug dealer or something?
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I have clients.
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Shit! How many?
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Four.
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Technically, one's my cousin.
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Just here.
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If you think shopping sucks,
you can wait here.
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Turns out, there's definitely more to Stan
than I thought.
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-I'm here to support a friend.
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I mean, he's still pretty weird,
but he's also funny.
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I mean, not that funny.
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-Never mind, okay?
-Okay.
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But he helped me out
when Dina totally bailed.
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-That would ruin the fun of it.
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-Oh, fun!
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Right.
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-Very boring shopping experience.
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-Yeah, it's pretty... pretty great.
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Okay, it's gonna be... $67.99.
138
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Fuck. Mom only gave me 50 bucks.
139
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Uh... Can you ring it up again?
I think you overcharged me.
140
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Which item, hon?
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All of 'em.
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Yeah, it's gonna be the same.
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Are you gonna pay or what?
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-Do you need me to spot you?
-No, Stan.
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I'll just put it all back. It's fine.
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Stanley Barber. Nice to meet you.
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Calm down, Syd. Calm down.
148
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Just calm down.
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Pull it together.
150
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Breathe.
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Breathe!
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-Breathe, Syd.
153
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Just... breathe.
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Breathe.
155
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Whoa.
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-Syd?
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Heyyy...
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Panic attacks, huh?
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My, uh...
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My mom used to get those.
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I mean, maybe she still does,
I don't know, but...
162
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I... I mean, it-- it sucks
that you get them too.
163
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I'm sorry about that.
164
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Why are you still talking to me?
165
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Because everyone else
in this town's boring.
166
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I've never smoked before.
167
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Do you wanna try?
168
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Do you-- do you want me to go first?
169
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I just had to try it.
170
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Try to numb whatever the hell's
going on inside me.
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I just copied what he did.
172
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I didn't even cough.
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My eyes felt heavy.
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My mind felt... empty.
175
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I wasn't worried about groceries or Mom
or Dina or even maybe losing my mind.
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Hey.
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Do you wanna go to the football game?
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Absolutely not.
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- We, we want a touchdown!
180
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We, we, we want a touchdown!
181
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-Surprised you even come to this stuff.
-We, we
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-We want a touchdown!
-It's so lame.
183
00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:48,165
It's the opposite of lame, Syd.
184
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It's theater. It's live theater.
185
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Westinghouse Memorial High School
on a Friday night.
186
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-Bring it in!
- What could be more tragic?
187
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More Shakespearean?
188
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Think about it.
189
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The moment the lights come up on Hamlet,
you know it's not gonna end well.
190
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-Take, uh... Mr. Bradley Lewis.
191
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:10,354
His best case scenario is, what,
192
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managing some regional
insurance sales company?
193
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:16,569
Where he gets to, I don't know,
call the shots on Employee of the Month?
194
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:20,114
I mean, these are the people
that will actually attend
195
00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:24,368
the five, ten, 20-year reunion,
because, aside from this,
196
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nothing else all that noteworthy
is gonna happen.
197
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--
198
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:31,250
This is as good as it gets for them.
199
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:34,211
And I like watching 'em, like Hamlet,
200
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when everything goes to shit
in the end...
201
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and everyone dies.
202
00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:41,510
I only wanted a boy
so I could keep up with Dina,
203
00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,679
but maybe I don't have to pretend.
204
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,806
-It's the best theater in town.
205
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:49,810
-What if I actually like Stan?
206
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-Ooh.
207
00:12:56,692 --> 00:12:58,694
- Number seven, you guys.
- Whoa!
208
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,112
- Whoo!
- Go, Brad!
209
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:01,238
Come on, Brad!
210
00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:03,908
Ah! Fuck!
211
00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:10,456
Yeah, Bradley! Go, Bradley! Whoo!
212
00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:14,418
--
213
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,178
Whoa, this is your room?
214
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:27,306
Yup.
215
00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:35,022
Oh, my God! VHS?
216
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:36,357
Yup.
217
00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:38,567
It's the best platform there is.
218
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:41,070
That is so not true.
219
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:45,449
Okay, uh, I-- I'm not talkin'
about quality here.
220
00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:49,995
I'm just saying the shitty texture
is key to the experience.
221
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,331
And I-- I can't with LaserDisc.
222
00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:53,749
I-- Oh, God.
223
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,084
Don't get me started.
224
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,049
So, wanna smoke again?
225
00:14:04,718 --> 00:14:05,594
Okay.
226
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,972
-Would you... would you rather be...
227
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:14,353
-...an eagle or a jellyfish?
228
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:18,357
-That is such a non-question.
229
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:19,942
-What do you mean?
-Dude!
230
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,280
-Eagle, hands down!
231
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,407
- Okay. All right.
232
00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:28,534
-It's you next.
233
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:30,870
-All right.
234
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:34,373
So would you rather have...
235
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,250
superpowers...
236
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:39,461
-or would you rather--
-Okay, I'm pretty sure
237
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:42,423
every person
on the planet would pick superpowers.
238
00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:45,634
So what would they be if you had 'em?
239
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:50,306
I... I would most definitely be...
240
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,349
a shapeshifter.
241
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:57,897
But not to, like, go inside
the girls' locker room or anything creepy.
242
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,857
I just wanna turn into, like,
243
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:04,820
a giant-ass jellyfish.
244
00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:10,659
What is with you and jellyfish?
245
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,161
I-- I-- Okay.
246
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:17,166
I read somewhere that once...
once humans destroy themselves,
247
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:20,002
this planet isn't gonna belong
to the roaches.
248
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:23,380
How could it?
I mean, we're like 70 percent water.
249
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:26,759
I mean, roaches aren't shit.
250
00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:28,677
So what, we're gonna become, like...
251
00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:31,013
the planet of the jelly?
252
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,766
Yup! And I will be their leader,
253
00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:37,686
and we'll be battling the roaches,
254
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:41,398
and we'll swim the deep blue sea.
255
00:15:46,695 --> 00:15:47,780
Sounds nice.
256
00:15:49,239 --> 00:15:51,867
-Yeah.
257
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:57,623
-Okay. Um... Well, what about you?
258
00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:59,041
Pass.
259
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,377
What? Wa-- Uh, wait. Okay. Lame.
260
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:04,296
-Pass. You go. You're next.
-Wait... Ugh. All right.
261
00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:07,841
Would you rather...
262
00:16:09,593 --> 00:16:13,180
-tell me your deepest darkest secret...
263
00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:14,223
...or...
264
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:26,110
- I'll tell you my secret, Stan.
265
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:33,283
But, when I tell you,
you cannot tell anyone.
266
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:35,494
-No one! Understand?
267
00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:37,913
Yeah, I-- I promise.
268
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:42,084
- Just tell him, Syd.
269
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:50,050
I got pimples on my thighs.
270
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,264
Ah! Wait, se-- seriously? Why?
271
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,516
I don't know why! I just do, okay?
272
00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:58,475
Well, let me see 'em.
273
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,102
No!
274
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:02,563
They're so gross.
275
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:04,565
Oh, I bet I got you beat.
276
00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:05,816
No way.
277
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:06,859
Okay.
278
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:08,444
Watch this.
279
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,742
It's backne supreme.
280
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,995
Holy shit!
281
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,623
-Disgusting!
-Uh-huh. And...
282
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:25,627
and it goes all the way down to my ass.
283
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:27,463
All the way inside my cheeks.
284
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:28,756
Oh, my God!
285
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:31,133
-That is so gross.
-Uh-huh.
286
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:32,843
I win.
287
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:37,639
Oh, hold on there, Stanley Barber.
288
00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:39,224
Check...
289
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,062
this out.
290
00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:46,523
Bam! I mean, you cannot compete,
291
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,650
and you cannot compare.
292
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:50,778
Wow.
293
00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:52,821
That-- Yeah, that is brutal.
294
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:57,367
I mean, I have never seen something
so disgusting.
295
00:17:57,951 --> 00:17:59,578
-I know, right?
296
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:05,292
I don't know exactly how to describe
the way I feel when I'm around Stan.
297
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:15,135
I'm... I'm so sorry.
Was that-- was that bad?
298
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:19,681
I only know I feel a little less weird.
299
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,240
- Walked in the park ♪
300
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:45,916
- Leaves burned just like ♪
301
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:53,715
- Ooh ♪
302
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,971
- Ooh ♪
303
00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:03,976
- Ooh ♪